Dealing with my emotional rollercoaster and broken trust
A journey in India does a lot with a person, especially during these pandemic times. Some people call it “crazy”, “amazing”, “life-changing” or “horrible”. For me, it’s like a cocktail. Or maybe a rollercoaster is a better metaphor….. I have great difficulty dealing with my feelings and emotions, as they’re getting more and more overwhelming. Unwillingly I keep thinking about the things that happened, in my previous life in the Netherlands, during my backpacking journeys in India and of course the things that happened this year.
The main thing that keeps bothering me is my broken trust, which often makes me feel very lonely and somehow lost in life. Some people have played with my trust in such a way that I can just not seem to digest or process it. When people overcharge you or scam you, you’re somehow able to deal with it. Yes, being deceived and losing your hard-earned savings definitely hurts and affects your well-being severely, but when someone you considered as your own continuously plays with your feelings and trust, it leaves a scar on your heart. A scar that seems to act like an infection on your entire trust system.
The same thing happened in India. After many years I started trusting again and even became very close friends with someone (yup, that’s new for me), but apparently that experience was jinxed too. I don’t know whether it’s the pandemic situation that forces people into criminal activities or just the regular Indian city issues. Some people say that, for them it’s normal; they’re used to it and I’m having a very “native” Indian experience. They tell me to not think about it anymore and “just move on”. It sounds like the typical Indian survival mode I’ve learned in my childhood. “Just forget about it and focus on the future” or “best is to keep yourself busy, so that you don’t think about it”.
It sounds so easy and logical, but guess what? I can’t….. I’m not a doll; I’m a human being. I have feelings and emotions.. I feel pain, sadness, anger, worry, stress, fear…… and I can’t help it. If I had a magic wand, I would definitely make my negative feelings and emotions disappear. But unfortunately I don’t know any magic. So yes, there are days that I feel very low and I just lay on my bed, crying myself to sleep. There are moments I can’t control my tears and I fall down on the floor, hyperventilating and unable to control myself. At some moments in the week I feel so miserable. Only devotional songs and hymns seem to be able to console me and give me back the strength to pull myself together, make myself proper food and work, as if that bad moment didn’t exist.
When it comes to trust, I have some big lessons to learn. I like to see the good in people and as an empath, I am able to see things from different perspectives, which sometimes makes me downplay signals I should have acted on. But the good thing is: I learn from it. I guess India is the best country to work on my balance, because of the great diversity in people, cultures, natural habitats and experiences. My Indian friends urge me to keep a distance from everyone and to be honest, that also matches my personal needs at this moment. I just need a break from everything and everyone, to sort out my feelings and emotions, and align with myself again. As I’m also experiencing a new feeling: anger. Something I mainly experience in India, and when I feel it, it’s very intense.
So far it has been an interesting self-discovery journey in India. I finally seem to realize the biggest lessons of my life. I’m starting to get a healthy routine again and my lifestyle is getting balanced. I don’t know where my journey will bring me, but I’m finally starting to understand and mostly feel the purpose of things happening and me being here. I think I’ve even started to like the process. I mean: hey, I’m making friends with healthy & tasty meals, after 28 years! I’ve started writing and creating websites again and even started to enjoy my own company. Now I finally understand why my personal coach and friend said: “This is progress, my dear.”